Back to School Toolkit: Bullying
One third of U.S. students are involved in bullying, as both target and perpetrator, and 70% of teachers and students witness bullying in their schools (source). Despite its prevalence, only a small percentage of students report their experience, typically because they do not believe adults will help (source). Bullying can lead to lasting impacts on self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, and other mental and physical health issues. In fact, the impact of bullying is far reaching for everyone involved.
What is Bullying?
Bullying occurs when one or more youth focus unwanted and intentional acts of physical, emotional, and sexual behaviors on a specific target. Examples of this include (but are not limited to) name-calling, physical attacks like pushing and hitting, offensive gestures, grabbing, threats, rumors, malicious teasing, isolation, and cyberbullying. It often involves a real or perceived power imbalance and is repeated (or has the potential to be repeated) over time (source).
There are different types of bullying: verbal, social, physical, and cyber. Verbal bullying involves saying or writing mean things about a targeted student (such as teasing, name-calling, sexual comments, taunts, and threats). Social bullying involves hurting someone's reputation or relationships (such as leaving the targeted student out on purpose (isolating), telling other students to not be friends with the target student, spreading rumors, or public embarrassment). Physical bullying involved harming a person’s body or possessions (such as hitting, kicking, tripping, pushing, breaking things, or gesturing rudely). Cyberbullying is a form of bullying that takes place online and can involve mean posts, targeted harassment, mass reporting, doxxing.
Bullying can take place at school, on the playground, on the bus, in the neighborhood, or on the internet. While a lot of bullying happens at school, it is important to remember that bullying most often occurs when there is limited or no adult supervision. For example, if students outnumber teachers on the playground or on a trip, it can be much harder for them to intervene in bullying behavior.
Impact
Those who are bullied are more likely to experience:
Mental health concerns including “Depression and anxiety, increased feelings of sadness and loneliness, changes in sleep and eating patterns, and loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy” (source).
Physical health issues
Negative impacts on academic achievement (participation and test scores) (source)
Those who bully are more likely to experience or engage in:
Violent or risky behavior (source)
Substance abuse in both adolescence and adulthood (source)
Abusive behavior toward romantic partners and children as adults (source)
Damage property or steal (source)
Get in trouble with the law (source)
Do poorly in school (source)
Bystanders are also impacted by bullying. They are more likely to have:
Increased substance use (source)
Increased mental health concerns (source)
Absences in school (source)
Feelings of being hurt, inferiority, and helplessness (source)
Studies have found that suicidal ideation and attempts are more common among both bullying perpetrators and victims alike (source). However, bullying alone is not necessarily the sole cause of suicide: other things putting someone at risk of suicide include depression, difficulty at home, and a history of trauma (source). Suicide risk can increase further when someone lacks support from parents, peers, and at school. Bullying can exacerbate these issues by increasing feelings of isolation and worthlessness in the victim. It is important to not only step in when we see bullying happen (whether as a teacher, student, or parent) but also follow up with the victimized student to make sure they have support and connection to resources they need.
Who’s at Risk?
The children at risk of being bullied may have some of the following risk factors:
Are considered different from their peers because of how they dress, their race, their gender, if they’re disabled, are new to a school, and many other traits that may be perceived as “different.”
Are viewed as weak or unable to defend themselves
Struggle with depression, anxiety and low self-esteem
Have less social support
Don’t get along well with others and are viewed as annoying/antagonizing
It is important to note here that anyone can be bullied, whether they are viewed as popular or unpopular at school, regardless of gender, regardless of grades, etc. Someone can become a target of bullying because of something that may seem small to the adults around the perpetrators and victims. Regardless, adults must take all instances of bullying seriously.
According to StopBullying.gov, the children most likely to bully others are those who:
Have social power and popularity who like to be in charge over others
Are isolated from their peers, have mental health concerns like depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem, have less involvement in school, are easily pressured by peers, or struggle with empathizing with others.
Are aggressive or easily frustrated
Have issues within the home, such as lack of parental involvement
Think poorly of others
Don’t follow rules well
Are friends with people who bully others
Typically there is a power imbalance that exists between the perpetrator and the victim. The power is not always physical and can also come from other sources like social power or cognitive ability (source).
There is also a category of students who are considered “bully-victims.” These are “those who bully others and are bullied themselves” (source). Bully-victims may respond to bullying with aggression or transition from a victim into a bully over time. They are often less popular, have worse social skills, and are generally disliked by peers and teachers. Students who are bully-victims can have problems with their attention, low self-esteem, mental and behavioral health concerns, and are more likely to come from backgrounds where there is minimal parental support and “warmth” (source).
How to Intervene & Help Stop Bullying
Interventions for Kids and Teens
It can be difficult to witness or be a victim of bullying. Here are some steps you can take to help:
If you are being bullied:
Tell the bully to stop in a calm, clear voice. You can also try to joke or laugh it off, as sometimes this can catch the bully off-guard at your response.
If speaking up is too hard or unsafe, walk away and keep away. Create distance and don’t fight back. Find an adult who can help you stop the bullying on the spot (such as a teacher).
Talk to an adult you trust and don’t keep your feelings inside. Talking about what you’re going through can help you feel less alone. Together, you can come up with a plan to address the bullying.
Stay away from places where bullying occurs.
Stay near adults and other kids. Bullying most often happens when adults aren’t around.
Get familiar with what bullying is and what it is not. If you recognize any of the descriptions, you should stay calm, stay respectful, and tell an adult as soon as possible.
If you feel like you are at risk of harming yourself or others, get help now! Check out a list of crisis resources here.
If you are being cyberbullied:
Always consider what you post - you never know what someone might screenshot or forward. Being kind to others online will help keep you safe. Avoid sharing things that could hurt or embarrass someone.
Never share your password to your accounts with other students. Even students who seem like friends could give your password away or use it in ways you don’t want.
Consider your privacy settings online: can strangers see what you post or friends only? Use privacy settings to control what others see online.
Keep your parents aware of your online habits. Remember that they want you to be safe online, so allow them to follow or friend you. Listen to what they have to say about what is and isn’t okay to do.
Talk to trusted adults if you receive messages or images that make you sad, scared, or uncomfortable.
Remember that many platforms have built in safety mechanisms. You can report cyberbullying directly to the platform. Click here for a list of contact links for different online platforms.
Learn more about cyberbullying and how to respond if it is happening to you.
Standing up for others:
Talk to a parent, teacher, or adult you trust. Adults need to know when something bad is happening so they can step in and help.
Be kind to the kid that is being bullied. Try to include them by sitting with them at lunch, on the bus, or talking with them between classes. Hanging out with them will let them know they’re not alone.
Remember, when we don’t speak up, we are encouraging the behavior. The bully will think it is okay to keep treating others that way.
Learn how you can be more than a bystander.
If you did or said something that hurt someone else:
If possible, try to speak privately with each of them to offer an apology.
Acknowledge that what you said or did offended or hurt them.
Explain that you are trying to learn from your mistake and ask if they will help you understand how it made them feel.
Non-Parent Adult Interventions
If you are not the parent, but an adult who is witnessing or concerned about bullying behavior, there are several steps you can take to intervene:
Stop the bullying on the spot. It is important to intervene quickly and consistently to bullying behavior. Doing so sends a clear message that the behavior is not okay. Research has even shown that this can help stop bullying over time (source).
Intervene immediately. If needed, get another adult to help and separate the kids involved. Check to make sure everyone is safe and address any immediate medical or mental health concerns. Stay calm and reassure others involved (including bystanders). Model respectful/calm behavior when you intervene.
Do not:
Ignore the problem.
Immediately try to sort out the facts of the situation (it is important to focus on de-escalating).
Force other students to report publicly about what they saw.
Question the students involved in front of each other.
Talk to those involved together in one space (it is better to speak to them separately).
Force the students involved to apologize or patch-up the relationship on the spot.
Involve police or get medical help if a weapon is involved, there are serious threats of violence or injury (especially if the threats are hate-motivated such as racism and homophobia), there is serious bodily harm, there is sexual abuse, or if anyone has been accused of an illegal act (robbery, extortion, etc.)
Find out what actually happened. After separating the students involved:
Get the story from several sources, not just the bully(ies) and victim.
Listen without blaming anyone.
Don’t label the situation as bullying while trying to understand what happened.
Collect all information available, especially if multiple students are involved or the bullying is a type of social bullying or cyberbullying.
Determine if it is bullying. Different bullying behaviors that require different approaches. It is important to determine what is actually happening. Ask these questions by StopBullying.gov:
What is the history between the kids involved? Have there been past conflicts?
Is there a power imbalance? Remember that a power imbalance is not limited to physical strength. It is sometimes not easily recognized. If the targeted child feels like there is a power imbalance, there probably is.
Has this happened before? Is the child worried it will happen again?
Have the kids dated? There are special responses for teen dating violence.
Are any of the kids involved with a gang? Gang violence has different interventions.
Speak to the adults responsible for the students’ care. It is important that school admin and parents are informed about the behavior. Keep records of the behavior and be sure to communicate with the parents and school admin about the behavior and if the behavior is ongoing. If you find that there is a lack of response from the parents or school admin, consider taking your concerns higher up.
Parents of Bullies
Parents of bullies are likely to find out from another parent, teacher or student that their child is bullying others. Other signs that your child is bullying others, according to this guide on bullying, may include:
Using aggression (verbally or physically) to deal with conflict
Talks about getting even with others
Blaming others/lack of responsibility for their behavior
Coming home with items (like money or toys) that don’t belong ot them
Hanging around with peers who are aggressive
Have difficulty expressing feelings or empathizing with others’ feelings
Struggles with cooperative games or play (such as being a “sore loser”)
Reactive (angry or avoidance) toward being questioned about their behavior
Play inappropriately with younger children
Put down other children in conversations
Have impulsive behavior
Fight with close-in-age relatives like siblings
When a parent learns their child is bullying others, reactions may range from defensiveness (“My child would never do that”), to remorse or guilt, and even anger at their child. It is normal to react this way. However, bullying can be stopped and parents can play a big role in intervening, even in times where they feel helpless. So what can parents of bullies do?
First, it is important to temper your reaction and try to stay calm. While it is normal to feel angry or defensive, it is important to listen to what other people have to say about your child’s behavior. If you are approached with this information, listen to everything the person says, breathe deeply, and avoid giving a reactive response.
Thank the individual for informing you and acknowledge that it was probably difficult for them to tell you.
Take the information seriously and tell the individual that you will take steps to address and stop the behavior.
Process the information. Take time to process how this knowledge makes you feel and allow yourself time to ride through the emotions. This information can be shocking and you may experience different emotions over the course of hours to days regarding this event. Feeling and understanding your emotions can be a key step in helping you stay calm when you eventually speak with your child.
AIFS suggests writing down details, including contact information in case you need to follow up and update the individual or ask additional questions.
Try talking through the issue with a trusted friend or family member, especially if they are someone who has dealt with a similar situation.
Talk to your child. With a focus on staying calm and in control, speak with your child, explain that you received a call about their behavior, and that you need to know what happened.
It is important to remember that staying calm and approachable may wield more information than if you attempt to approach aggressively. In fact, an aggressive tactic models bullying behavior.
Explain & ask questions. Let your child know what regardless of what happened you are going to help your child get through this situation. Here are some questions to ask (remember to keep calm as you do, a certain tone can make some of these questions sound accusatory):
Do you know what they (reporting individual) are talking about?
Can you tell me about what happened?
Is any of this true?
If your child only wants to discuss what the other child did, explain that you are willing to hear that information, but first you’d like to know what they did. Ask:
Can you help me understand why the other child sees this situation differently?
How would you feel if they did that to you?
If you discover there is a pattern to the bullying, ask:
How long has this behavior been happening?
Do you target other students or always the same one?
What causes you to bully others? Is there a behavior or thing about others that makes you treat them differently?
Is it always the same time of day (lunch, recess, after school, etc.)?
Inform your child that bullying is unacceptable and that it must stop. Inform your child that bullying is serious and has serious consequences. You can also let your child know that you are going to take steps to ensure your child will not continue the behavior.
It is important not to lecture and a simple, straightforward statement is often more effective at getting your point across. For example, say: “I need you to know that bullying is unacceptable and that it must stop.”
Keep dialogue open and honest - talk it over to learn about if your child is upset, jealous, unhappy, or have been bullied themselves.
Take steps to resolve the situation.
Take the situation seriously and don’t minimize the behavior (“It just happened once”) because it won’t stop on its own. Remember, bullying harms both the perpetrator and the victim. If you’re unconcerned about the impact to your child, remember that another child is being hurt.
Learn the school’s policy on bullying and if the behavior occurred outside of school (which is often the case with cyberbullying), inform the school and keep communication with them.
Speak with school officials who are in direct support with your child (teachers, guidance counselors, school therapists/behavioral specialists), and ask them for advice on what you can do in the home to help your child work through this behavior. Let them know that you want to keep in contact to touch base on how your child is doing.
Try to understand what caused this behavior. Think about all the reasons why your child is behaving this way (and be open to the chance that there is a behavior they are witnessing at home and modeling in school).
Communicate with school officials to see if your child is facing problems at school such as being sad, angry, lonely, isolated, or insecure. Is there any school-related stress like exams or homework? Are they struggling with a specific subject or having difficulties making or keeping friends? Is there previous teasing in group dynamics that play a role? (Remember that teachers see your child for several hours a day and may be more aware of aspects of their behavior that you don’t see.)
Reflect on what is happening in the home. Students carry stress from their home life to school with them, and, as we covered earlier in this article, a predictor of becoming a bully is stressors in the home. Consider these questions:
Is your child worried about something happening at home (such as death of a pet, parents fighting, etc.)?
Is there someone at home bullying your child (a sibling, parent, family member, or other adult)?
Are they jealous of their siblings or other children?
Are you able to set clear boundaries and be consistent with the consequences/discipline?
Are you providing adequate supervision or taking an interest in your child’s life?
Remember the legal consequences of bullying. In the U.S., laws and policies change depending on the state. Click here to learn about the laws from state-to-state and how you and your child might be held responsible.
How to help your child along the way:
Help your child identify what behavior is problematic and to be accountable for it. Teach them to be responsive by apologizing and finding ways to move forward.
Make clear, specific, simple rules for your child to follow and encourage them when they listen.
Set age-appropriate consequences to their behavior and follow through with it.
Give your child goals and reward them for good behavior.
Increase supervision and stay knowledgeable about your child’s activities, whereabouts with friends, internet and phone usage, and even discuss with the school about options for extra supervision in school.
Be informed about your child’s digital habits: what apps are they using, how much time do they spend on specific platforms, and how are they using these platforms?
Consider having an open discussion with them about the effects of certain platforms and how they can be harmful.
Learn about popular platforms such as Instagram, Snapchat, Tik Tok, Twitch, and YouTube. Even the “Kid/Teen” version of these platforms may not actually be safe for children, so it is important to know what your child is watching/what content they are engaging with.
Research/learn how the technology your children access works. Some platforms, like Snapchat and Instagram, have “private” or “friends only” functions that allow them to choose who can see what they post. Even if you follow your child on Instagram, you may not be seeing everything they post.
Show interest and concerns about what your child is feeling and help them understand their own feelings.
Make time to spend with your child each day, such as taking time to read with them or walking with them.
Praise and notice their achievements, even the small ones.
Display and honor things your child has made/recognitions they received from the school or community. Offer words of encouragement, too.
If your child has a lot of energy, help them figure out how to move in a positive way. Give them tasks like walking the dog, setting the table, or doing things that use energy. Discuss with their teacher about useful ways to divert excess energy at school, such as having them help get equipment ready or put out chairs for class.
Focus on teaching them pro-social ways to handle conflict:
Walking away/creating physical space is one of the best ways to help someone cool off. Encourage them to do this if they are getting annoyed, angry, or uncomfortable and thus find themselves wanting to react negatively.
Teach them ways to cool off by showing them how to deep breathe, find a “time-out” space, or counting down from 20-50-100 (whatever number is most helpful).
Teach them ways to fend off others by responding with dismissal or boundaries when other students begin provoking them. This can be a simple “I’m not going there” or waving off the other student.
Work together as a family.
Create a calming environment at home and reduce stress/conflict amongst family members.
Encourage the use of kind or neutral language with family and friends.
Monitor name-calling and fighting between siblings.
Notice and acknowledge good behavior.
Talk regularly about acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
Have more positive statements than negative in your daily interactions.
Work cooperatively to solve problems.
Model healthy ways of addressing conflict and tension.
Use discussion and guidance rather than coercion and control.
Watch your own behavior in how you talk or respond to your child, especially when experiencing your own strong emotions. Violence and aggression (either physical or verbal) is not helpful and models bullying behavior to your child.
Attend school and extracurricular events.
Things to Avoid:
Looking for someone to blame over the behavior (“It must be the school’s fault, my child didn’t learn that at home.”)
Justifying behavior (“Well, my child was just reacting to what happened!”)
Trying to say “Well, I know my child and they wouldn’t do this.” Children do not act the same way in front of their parents as they do away from their parents.
Trying to make contact with the victim’s parents, this may only make the situation worse.
Making positive comments about the bullying, such as “My child was standing up for themself!” This will often encourage the behavior, regardless of the reasoning.
Know when to get more help. Professional interventions may be needed, especially if the behavior is getting worse and your child doesn’t seem to be thinking before acting. Ongoing bullying habits can be hard to change and a professional can help.
Resources/More Reading
Resources:
My Life is Worth Living | www.mylifeisworthliving.org/
StopBullying.gov - has many resources and tips that we aren’t able to cover in a single blog post
Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988 24/7/365
FindTreatment.gov for mental and substance use disorders
National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
Teen Line - Call 800-852-8336 6 pm - 10 pm PST every night or text TEEN to 839863 6 pm - 9 pm PST
YouthLine - Call 8779688491 or text teen2teen to 839863
Call 4 - 10 pm PST to talk to with a trained youth for peer-to-peer support
Adults are available by phone all other times
Text HOME to 741741 for support through the Crisis Text Line
The Trevor Project Hotline for LGBTQ+ Youth - Call 1-866-488-7386 (available 24/7/365)
